Straight-A Adult?

I still get mad when I think about the lone B on my college transcript. It was a writing course, of all things, and there was a single comment about a short story in my final portfolio reading too much like an essay. Ten years later, and I’m still bitter.

I was a very good student. Even in the subjects I didn’t love or have an easy time with, I could pull off a good grade and I was usually got straight As.

When we’ve spent roughly 20 years of our lives studying, testing and being graded, what happens when we are suddenly out in the world without these very clear measures of ability, but still the need to learn and progress? Life tests us every day, but it’s not the kind of test you can cram for.

Sure, you can read a million books about anything: parenting, entrepreneurship, gardening, cooking, investing. And you can learn. But the fact of the matter is, no one is grading you. There is no A as reward for your diligent mental note-taking. In fact, the most constant judge in your life is yourself.

Parenting is opening my eyes to this fact (and the fact that perhaps I’ve been waiting for the report card from these last 8 years).

Linden is by most measures an “easy baby.” But after sleeping through the night since less than a month old, she started waking, needing to eat, not wanting to go to sleep without us around the 4 month mark. Baby sleep can make a person crazy. I’ve read several books, blogs and articles, conducted at least a million late night google searches from the cold corner of my bed as I waited for Linden to wake yet again.

Her sleep issues began to shake my confidence in every aspect of my parenting. The easy, self-assured mommy attitude I’d had since her birth melted  into a puddle of constant worry, self-doubt, and anxiety about everything I was doing. And the frustration. Oh, the frustration. It takes a lot of effort not to throw the yogurt some days.

Studying up on baby sleep helped me form a plan, and the plan has helped me feel more confident in my approach. But it took a commenter’s remark on a blog post that there’s no A grade in parenting to fully appreciate the fact that there are no right answers. There’s no instructor, no test. I can’t just read the book and pass. But, this also means I can’t fail.

In some ways, adulthood is harder for this. Life was less complicated when my job was to take notes and get an A. The weight of free will can feel like a burden, and sometimes we may weaken under the pressure we put in ourselves to be Amazing–our Ideal Self.

But in other ways, this reality is freeing. Because there is no RIGHT WAY, the possibilities are many. And the ability to grow into a unique person is profound. I can take all the advice I want on how to parent my child, but in the end, it’s how I read her, how I apply what I’ve learned, and what I value for our relationship that determines my approach. What grows out of that is something that no outside judgement can touch.

Have you faced a challenge that’s shaken your confidence? Are you still waiting for the report card?

P.S.: You may have gotten a glimpse into my writing process as I mistakenly published an earlier draft of this post. Sorry!

Repeat after Me: Food is not the Devil

I love food. I mean, I really, really love food. I love to cook it, grow it, bake it and especially eat it.

So I find it very sad how often food is vilified. Sad and ironic, because despite this vilification, we’re fatter than ever. I think we should take that as simple proof that seeing food as the problem is not an effective, healthy mindset.

Despite how much I love food, how much I love to eat, and yes, how much I actually eat, I am not fat. I am sure that part of  it is to do with genetics; some, certainly is to do with activity level. But I’ll still give myself some credit for my health. Have I ever dieted? Nope. Do I feel deprived? Never. (Ok, well sometimes I’d like to have 2 and only allow myself 1, but that’s not exactly deprivation.)

I’m not a fitness, nutrition or health expert. I’m not a doctor. But others have found my philosophy on food and health helpful, so I thought I would share. This “philosophy” isn’t necessarily my own. It comes from everywhere–books, magazines, tips from friends, my upbringing, travels and trial and error. It’s also not a weight-loss “solution” or diet plan–it’s just a collection of thoughts I find helpful to stay on track!

The tenets: 

Stop thinking “I must eat less” and start thinking “I must eat better”

We need food to survive. There are lots of important things in food that contribute to our health. I like to think of the number of calories I need in a day as precious real estate. When you consider all of the nutrients and vitamins we need, you’ll realize it’s a challenge to consume all of the good things we should be eating in a day!

Harvard Public Health’s Food Pyramid.

Educate yourself about what you’re eating. 

Through various courses, books, discussions with friends, documentaries, I have learned a lot about what’s in the food we eat. This information really inspires me to only put healthy things in my body. There are plenty of excellent resources. “Foodie intellectual” Michael Pollan‘s work or a documentary like “Food, Inc.” is a great place to start!

Consider Michael Pollan’s simple advice: 

Eat food. Mostly vegetables. Not too much.

In his book, In Defense of Food, Pollan makes a big point about focusing on eating REAL food. Basic, unprocessed, not chemically manufactured or altered food. And the message is simple: if we eat food, real food, and not too much of it, it should be pretty easy to stay healthy.

Don’t buy junk.

This is a basic one. If it’s not there, you can’t eat it. Don’t keep soda, chips, candy and such in your house. When they’re in my house, I eat them, too. So just don’t buy them. Simple.

Enjoy Eating

Having a healthy mindset about food and making eating an enjoyable, guilt-free process is, in my opinion, very important. Eating should be a wonderful experience–to enjoy with friends and family, to relish and to delight in. Not something to do in shame, in the kitchen alone, in secret, with sadness. Food should be happy.

Unforgettable dinner at Konoba Menego in Hvartown, Croatia, on our honeymoon.

***

This advice is pretty simple, but it’s all about having a positive mindset and being mindful about what I eat.

What advice and tips do you have to eat well and stay healthy?

1 Step Forward, 2 Cranes Back.

I had previously written, very excitedly, about my mastery of (well, maybe not “mastery of” but progress with) the crane pose in my yoga practice. I was so excited to get this one down–a tricky balance posture that had evaded me for many years.

While I was pregnant, I did continue doing yoga until I was about 8 months along. Since giving birth, it has been difficult getting back into a routine, but I have been working on it and feeling quite proud every time I roll out the mat, regardless of how dusty my yoga is.

This morning I was excited to do a series of postures that included crane for the first time since I’ve been back at it. But, it did not go well. I struggled to fit my body into what has become a very unfamiliar shape, teetering forward or to the side. My wrists, bent and weathered from carrying at 15 lb. baby, didn’t have the right sort of strength to hold me up. The creases of my hips, obviously changed since childbirth, just didn’t seem willing to fold the right way.

A baby is more conducive to practicing snuggles and breakfast in bed than yoga.

I shouldn’t be surprised. My body has bounced back pretty well after having Linden. But there is no question that it is forever changed. I don’t mind it so much–the hips a little wider, my stomach a little softer. The difference is minor and overall I still feel like “me.” But the effort to fit into crane highlighted the subtle changes that even I hadn’t noticed.

It’s not worth despairing over. I feel confident that if I am able to keep up my practice, I’ll find crane again, even if the shape of it is slightly different. Sometimes big changes throw us off or chip away at progress in one area of our life, even while improving another.

My crane struggle reflects, in a small way, some of that golden wisdom from my mother that you shouldn’t expect to have it all, all at once.

Have there been times in your life when progress in one area eroded progress in another?

A Self-styled Birth

It may not come as a surprise that my approach to giving birth differed a bit from the mainstream. But the whole experience was amazing for me and my husband, and I’d really like to share this with you!

{Warning: this will be long, but it’s difficult to edit this experience!}

I was pretty lucky throughout pregnancy. I didn’t have any major complications or even much morning sickness. The worst part was watching my legs and ankles swell well beyond their normal profile in the unrelenting heat of the July and August.

On my due date.

Because of this smooth pregnancy, Mike and I decided to plan for a home birth. We didn’t share this plan with many people–it tends to be met with shock, and maybe even horror. But we were confident in the decision.

Our midwives were very excited for our plan, too. In the weeks leading up to my due date, I went through their checklist multiple times, gathering up all of the necessities to turn our bedroom into a Level 1 birthing centre! Waterproof sheets, extra towels, receiving blankets, snacks, Advil… Check, check, check, check OH.MY.GOD.I’M.HAVING.A.BABY!

Linden’s Room, waiting for her arrival!

My due date, September 26th, came and went. It was a Wednesday. The following Monday, October 1st, I woke up with what I knew were early contractions.

It was a day off for me, so I “relaxed” at home. I made bread, chicken stock and soup. I sliced open my pinky while washing dishes. I had a momentary freak out when we lost power for about 5 minutes. I turned away the guy who came to install a water meter that day, which would have turned off the water for some hours. (He assured me that was the first time he’d ever encountered this situation!) Ironically, the midwives always joke that all they need for a home birth is electricity and running water, and both of these threatened to kick out!

But by the late afternoon when Mike got home from work, the labour was really progressing and I was no longer puttering around the house. After a few phone conversations with my midwife student, Kristen, assuring me I could go a bit more on my own, I realized she’d been stalling. She and my primary midwife, Jennifer, were in the hospital with two other women in labour!

So finally they sent over Christine, another midwife from the practice who was on call that day, but whom I’d never met. At that point, however, I knew this was for real and I didn’t care who showed up!

When Christine arrived around 7pm, she laughed to see me on all fours on the bed, stripped down to my skivvies. I knew we’d get along.

Now seriously into active labour, the benefits of having a home birth really showed. When Christine checked me, she saw that the baby was posterior–facing backwards. It wasn’t a huge issue, but Christine suggested that I walk the stairs; the up and down action could turn the baby. I did this for about an hour, bracing myself against the steps during each contraction. Sure enough, the baby turned.

When I was in transition, that period of time before pushing when labour gets extreme, I again benefitted greatly from being at home. Now, when I had envisioned this home birth, I saw myself in the bathtub for a large portion of the time as I’d read that the bath was a fantastic pain management tool. So I scrubbed our bathtub in preparation. What I had not envisioned was the heat that I experienced in labour. I was roasting.

Given the heat, I never got into the tub. But I did use the shower, and if nothing else, it was a needed distraction and change of scenery to help me through that period.

It was about 11pm when I was ready for the final stage–pushing! Christine had been keeping contact with Jennifer and Kristen in the hospital. Mike played a much larger role than he may have had they arrived earlier–helping Christine set up her equipment and helping to guide me through the contractions. But we were all very excited when Jennifer and Kristen made it just as I was ready to push. The energy they brought with them gave me the boost for that last effort. I alternated between a birthing stool and different positions on the bed–whatever felt most comfortable in the moment.

Now, I won’t lie. Labour HURTS. Supposedly, with methods like hypnobirthing, it is possible to experience a pain and med-free birth. But for me, it hurt. But at no point did I feel that I couldn’t handle it. A lot of my preparation for this home birth was educating myself about what my body was made to do and what it is capable of handling. So I KNEW that this was something I could do. Even at my worst, in the shower baying like an animal, I knew I could do it.

And after 55 minutes that felt like 5, a baby quite a bit bigger than any of us expected came out and ended up on my chest. I remember hearing Kristen say, “Jean, take your baby” as she handed her up to me, and Mike announcing that we had a little girl!

Grabbing this squirmy, hot, little wet thing was a moment of absolute wonder! It was exactly midnight on October 2nd.

The post-birth experience at home was also incredible. The only moments I was separated from my baby were when they weighed her and gave her a check over to make sure everything was working well. The midwives cleaned up and got us all tucked into bed as a family. I slept with Linden on my chest that first night, feeling that I shouldn’t let her go just yet.

All 8 lbs 2 oz of Linden on the scale.

Our first family portrait.

***

When I think back on that night now, it seems magical. I feel such a sense of accomplishment about what we did–Mike, Linden and I. I still walk into our bedroom with Linden and say to her, “You were born right here!”

I loved that for about a week, she had never been outside of our house. Our first foray out into the world was a walk to the coffee shop about a block away. It was a bright blue fall day. I took in the cool breeze and the colouring leaves with this brand new human tucked in under my coat, and I knew we had a cozy winter ahead of us.

In the Dominican Republic in January.

If you have any questions about our home birth experience or are thinking of having one yourself, I’m happy to answer or share more thoughts on the experience!

the self-styled life: part 2

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come in to my blog, started typing–maybe even finished a first draft of a post–and then ultimately not posted.

When I first got pregnant, I promised I wasn’t going turn this into a “mommy blog” or a pregnancy blog. I really didn’t want to do that. But then I found that the self-imposed limitation had completely shut my mouth.

My unofficial hiatus has become a source of shame and sadness for me. I love this blog, I love interacting with readers and I love the thought that some of you have found something interesting or helpful here. The start-stops have really weighed on me, but I have been fretting over this puzzle of how to follow the self-styled mission with this tiny pink elephant in my womb (and now my room). I even went so far as to create a new blog–the self-styled baby or something like that–with the intention of having two writing spaces for these two different “aspects” of my life. That did not work.

But I think I’ve figured it out.

If this blog is about my life, my self-styled life, there will have to be some baby in here. Because the fact is, my life has changed. It’s not that it took me 9 months to know that it would. But maybe it did take holding my squirmy little nuggy to feel the full impact of this shift. And it made me realize that the no-baby-in-blog restriction just wouldn’t work (and clearly hasn’t for the last … ten-ish months).

So what are the plans for the self-styled life from here? Well, I’m learning that there’s a lot of crap-shooting in parenting, a lot of trial and error, and a lot of do it MY way, not necessarily how it’s “supposed” to be done. So the self-styled “rules” (that there are none, really) still apply. And through my parenting journey, I think I’ll probably learn some lessons that will be useful to you non-parents out there trying to cut your own unique path through an often inflexible world. At least, that’s my hope.

Furthermore, while I’ve always seen my audience as the just-starting-out (baby-less) twenty somethings, I’m turning 30 this year. I’m not “just starting out” anymore–I’m pretty well in the thick of it now. Many of my friends and readers will be also starting families and struggling to balance babies with jobs and careers. This struggle is well within the parameters of the self-styled life. This struggle is not unique to me; there’s a lot of self-styled conversation to be had here.

So, I’m back. With a baby. I’m sorry I left, I won’t do it again, and for now I’m just going to promise one post per week. And we’ll go from there! Welcome to the self-styled life: part 2.

But less seriousness, more cuteness:

I’d like to introduce Miss Linden Virginia Allison:

Snuggled in her stroller with her buddy, Lapierre Lapin.

More on her to come

The Ideal Self

The Ideal Self is that perfect version of you you’ve always kept on a pedestal. It’s the image you want everyone else to see. It’s the mirror against which you compare your actual self. It’s the dream of everything you want to be on so many levels: physical, intellectual, emotional, social, material.

There’s obvious value to having an Ideal Self.

• It establishes goals and helps you build a plan to reach them.
• It’s something to work toward–a motivator.
• It creates a set of standards for yourself–a litmus test to be sure your actions are in line with your values.

An older iteration of myself: when I was a teacher in Thailand (2005-06)

But the Ideal Self can also be dangerous. 

Danger #1: Your Ideal Self is a true ideal–unattainable, unrealistic.

As with any goal, it has to be something you can reach. But it’s also important to dream big, right? So there is a balance to find to pushing yourself to your greatest potential while still operating within your limits and the limits that life inevitably puts on you. If your Ideal is too grand, it becomes a weight on your shoulders that is an endless source of dissatisfaction.

So as with identifying passions, you have to sift through and recognize what is possible.

So while I'll always sing and maybe even daydream about being famous and touring around the world, I'm not going to bank on that image!

Danger #2: Your ideal self doesn’t reflect who you really are

We can lie to ourselves. Convince ourselves that something is good when it’s not. We settle, or we allow other people’s ideal for us influence our own (the classic, I became a __ because my parents wanted me to). Often times the lies are based on self-doubt. When you worry that you can’t do something, you convince yourself it’s not really what you want anyway and you go for something that seems more attainable. But it will never be satisfying because it’s not really you.

I have, since I was about 11, derived the greatest satisfaction from what I produce as a writer. But the self-doubt has been strong enough for years to push me away from pursuing writing as a career. I still struggle with it, and I kick myself for the myriad something elses I’ve tried convincing myself I’d be happy doing. But now I feel at least I’m trying. Finally. No more lies.

Danger #3: Your Ideal Self is out of date

We all grow and change. Something that was once important to us can become less so. But sometimes for nostalgic or emotional reasons we hold onto those things and they become like vestigial organs that either serve no purpose or get in the way and cause problems. Without the passion, it’s hard to keep up the practice. But if we’re still holding onto that ideal, it becomes a source of self-criticism as we struggle to meet that goal. One commenter on the habits follow-up post noted that once she became more discerning about what she really wanted to be spending her time on, she gave up old interests freeing up time for things she really wanted to do.

Danger #4: Your Ideal Self keeps you inflexible by distracting you from reality

Sometimes, we can get so stuck in our ideal and fulfilling it that we fail to recognize the good in what we already have. A number of fellow Gen Y friends have noted that they were unhappy when they started in their jobs because it wasn’t what they’d always pictured for themselves. But then at some point, they stopped and realized how good they have it. Now they are much more satisfied and motivated.

The other problem with being distracted by what you think you want is that you fail to recognize other opportunities. Life rarely unfolds according to The Plan. But as a result, it presents an endless number of possibilities we never could have foreseen, some of which will completely eclipse our Ideal. In the wise words of Ferris Bueller:

**

Like the dreams that never happen, the Ideal Self is still a valuable tool for self-reflection. Former ideals can reveal a lot about what is ultimately important to us. It’s those things that we should cling to–not the superficial stuff that we couch them in. When we do this, we will find that there are a number of different “life scenarios” into which our ultimate values can still fit. Having a baby, for example, won’t fundamentally change who I am–but will definitely add to the person I am now. And I anticipate it will be one of those possibilities that brings me to a life better than what I ever could have imagined for myself!

Have you ever had to shed (or at least reevaluate) an Ideal Self? 

Sometimes Life Laughs at your Little Plans (an example from my life)

A big point that came out of the discussions on habits and how to break bad ones was the notion of flexibility. The fact is, if you want to be happy and satisfied in life, you have to be comfortable with the idea that even if you have planned things to go one way, you don’t control everything and you might have to adjust.

Adjusting means recognizing new opportunities–ones you never could have foreseen–and having the courage to explore them. It means dealing with hardships and not letting them get the better of you. It means accepting unforeseen challenges and events as new adventures.

I got a reminder of that in a big way recently. When I first defined the self-styled life, a few readers commented that one of the most freeing, non-traditional decisions they made was not to have children. But as it happens, the Universe is pushing me in a different direction–into a different box, one that does include kids!

Yup, my husband and I are expecting a little one at the end of September! It was not part of our “plan” (what crazy people would quit their jobs, sell their house, move to a new city, open a new business and have a kid all at the same time?!), but now that the shock has mostly worn off, we are very excited.

Getting ready for our next adventure!

But it was really a huge shock. We had begun to imagine what our lives might look like without children, though I think deep down we both knew that at some point we would. But the turmoil of the last few years–losing my sister, other family illnesses and feeling like we hadn’t quite gotten to a point we’d like to be professionally–had us putting off the notion of kids indefinitely. I mean, when I go to IKEA, I can spend hours in the kitchens and bedrooms, but I literally walk straight through the kid’s section. Babies were not on our mind.

Our dog has been our baby for the last few years!

So to find myself pregnant was … difficult. Certainly, my initial reaction wasn’t unequivocal joy. Then of course the nervousness, the regret, the uncertainty brought on a lot of guilt. So many couples are actively trying to get pregnant, and here I was not feeling overjoyed.

But I meditate on my mother’s advice that too many people our age are forever waiting for things to be “perfect” before starting a family. And the truth is–it will never be perfect and you’ll never feel completely prepared, even if a family is something you want. So I’m going with the advice that things have a way of working out, even if that way is unclear at the moment.

And now, with the reality sinking in and the support and enthusiasm of our family and friends, we are genuinely excited. In fact, I just might head to IKEA on my day off tomorrow to spend some time among the cribs and plush toys (the kid’s section is, after all, right near the food–so I can also enjoy the smell of Swedish meatballs and lingonberry sauce while lingering over high chairs).

I mean, how could you not be excited when you see this?!

**

And I must say, it feels good to come clean with my readers. I feel like I’ve been sneaking around all this time! While neighbours have truly been keeping us up, and I probably have allowed myself to be more lazy than I could be, part of my challenge in keeping a schedule, finding motivation and writing regularly is also the fact that I’ve been growing a baby!

But there are a few disclaimers to go along with this post:

1. the self-styled life will NOT become a pregnancy/mommy blog. While there’s nothing wrong with these, that’s not what I started out to do here. I will, obviously, occasionally be talking about my pregnancy and baby, but I promise not to let these dominate!

2. (and more importantly) I realize that my baby ambivalence might make some people feel uncomfortable. After all, babies are a good thing, so the normal reaction to pregnancy and babies is that unequivocal joy. Moreover, many couples struggling with infertility or who have experienced painful losses would be overjoyed to be in my shoes. But the reality is that starting a family is a big deal, and scary, even for those who planned it. So I don’t want to sound insensitive, but I do want to be totally honest, as I’ve always tried to be here. I know I’m not alone in my feelings and I hope that my honesty might be helpful to other moms and dads-to-be who feel like us! But my honesty goes both ways, and when I say we are really excited, it’s the truth!

Thanks, if you’ve made it to the end of this very long post… (sorry ’bout that)

Any fun stories of unexpected events that changed your life? 

I look pregnant? That's probably because I AM!!!